Miss Cuba Presents: Brooks’ Half-Assed World Cup Qualifier Preview

After starting off the group stage with a 1-0 win over Guatemala last month, the U.S. team now makes a rare trip to Cuba to take on el equipo de Castro.

Before we delve into the opposing side itself, here are a few fun facts about Cuba:

-It’s a socialist republic (read: commieland where natives feast on American souls).

-It was the site of a revolution led by beard-grower Fidel Castro and human t-shirt logo Che Guevara.

-Ernest Hemingway once made his home there and later blew his face off with a shotgun. (Coincidence or not? You decide.)

-Birthplace of famous pelican enthusiast Tony Montana.

-New president Raul Castro recently lifted a ban on the purchase of computers, DVD players, and microwaves, finally allowing Cubans access all three kinds of porn: internet, home video, and microwavable.

As for the Cuban national soccer team, well, like most CONCACAF teams they’re not particularly good at this soccer business. Currently ranked 92nd in the world according to FIFA, Cuba has appeared in the World Cup just once way back in 1938. Laugh if you want, but they did beat a European team (Romania) in Europe, which is something a certain other country can’t say (hint: starts with a U, ends with a hockey mom).

But yeah, Cuba hasn’t had a ton of success — something that shouldn’t be terribly surprising when every time the team comes to the U.S. for the Gold Cup, a few players decide to not go home. And not in the “Oh, I need a few more days to eat McGriddles and wade in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese” way, but the “Screw you, Fidel, I’m never coming back” way. In fact, since 2002 they have lost 12 players to defection, including seven members of their U-23 squad in 2007. (How can that happen? When half the team doesn’t get back on the bus after the match, don’t you realize something is up and send out the dudes with the giant butterfly nets?)

Cuban national team travels to an away match

Cuba does still have a few quality players left, though. For example, my sources at Wikipedia tell me that striker Reynier Alcantara has 10 goals in 16 matches for the national side. But those defections have taken their toll on Cuba’s defense. They lost 3-1 to Trinidad & Tabago in Havana a couple weeks ago to start their qualifying campaign and if the dynamite attack of T&T (see what I did there?) can carve up their back line then I think the U.S. can, too.

At least, I hope.

Bottom line: If the U.S. can’t get a result in Cuba then the Castro brothers have my permission to keep Bob’s boys and put them to work in a cigar factory or donkey show, or whatever it is they do to failed athletes down there.

And if you’d like to read a preview of tomorrow night’s match (8 pm ET on ESPN Classic) that wasn’t dashed off quickly while on a caffeine high, check out Jeff Carlisle’s piece or the fantastic Grant Wahl blog, who is down in Cuba to cover the action first hand.