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Off The Pitch: Decisions

September 12th, 2008 | By: Brooks Peck | 17 Comments »

After yet another mediocre national team performance from Brian Ching (though it was highlighted by a fortuitous goal), many fans and critics are still wondering why Bob Bradley keeps selecting Ching over the second-leading goal scorer in MLS, Kenny “FrankenCooper” Cooper. To shed some light on the matter, here is a fictional account of how Bob reached his decision…

Bob Bradley stares out on the practice pitch as Ching and Cooper approach.

Bob Bradley: Thanks for coming out today, guys. I’m having a hard time deciding which of you to go with, so I thought I’d bring you both in and have you state your cases. Brian, you start.

Ching: Uh, well, to be honest, I’ve never been that great.

Bradley: Ok. Kenny?

Cooper: ggrrAAAHHH!

Bradley: Alright. Brian, a response to that?

Ching: Well, I’m 30 years old now, so I don’t know how much use I’ll be to you when the next World Cup rolls around in a couple years.

Bradley: Valid point. Kenny, you’re 23, right?

Cooper: Grrrrggg.

Jozy Altidore appears.

Jozy: Hey, guys, what’s going on?

Bradley: This doesn’t concern you, Jozy. Back to Spain! Go! On your bike!

Jozy: Ok. See ya, guys! Good luck!

Jozy rides bike away, whistling, rings bell. Bradley glares at him…he keeps glaring.

Ching: Uh, I don’t mean to interrupt, but you should also note that I’m really quite slow and I have the reflexes of someone who’s been slipped a date rape drug.

Bradley: I have to think you could’ve used a more tasteful analogy there, but ok.

Ching: Allow me to demonstrate… pass me the ball, Coach.

Bob flicks a nearby ball at Ching, who reacts like Brad Pitt in the Burn After Reading trailer as it bounces off his face.

Bradley: I see. Kenny, your turn…

Cooper: RRRAAAHHHH!!

Bob passes to Cooper, who fires it into the net. The ball disintegrates, net catches fire, ice caps melt.

Ching: (pinching bloody nose, head tilted back) Coach, please keep in mind that I can score when my teammates make a tremendous play to set me up and the goalkeeper has somehow fallen out of position. Then, with an empty net and from point-blank range, I can score you a goal…but only then.

Bradley: Alright, I think I’ve just about made my decision. Any final words, men?

Ching: I suck.

Cooper: BRAAAIIINNNS!

Bradley: Noted…After careful consideration, I’m going to have to go with Brian here. Sorry, Kenny. Maybe when you’re 30 and your skills have depleted to an acceptable level.

Ching: Thanks, Coach! (Nose bleeds spontaneously) I won’t let you down!

Cooper: (eats brains)

Tags: bob bradley, Brad Pitt, Brian Ching, Burn After Reading, Haha, Kenny Cooper, Off The Pitch

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Comments

By elle | September 12th, 2008 at 5:18 pm

in conclusion kenny cooper can melt polar ice caps…if that wont get him transfered to a european club, nothing will

Posted from United States

By Alex | September 12th, 2008 at 5:55 pm

um, ok, that was qutie the post. i actually thought brian played pretty well.

Posted from United States

By b-dub | September 12th, 2008 at 6:30 pm

Best. Post. Ever.

Posted from United States

By Danny | September 12th, 2008 at 7:15 pm

Maybe Ching has some deficiencies but you pretty much know what you are going to get from him. He has experience. He isn’t going to make bone headed mistakes .I realize that the US is a huge favorite against the teams we have been playing, but it is world cup qualifying. If we want to be in the World Cup we have to make sure that we qualify!

In the next world cup, I think that either Jozy or Cooper will be the Striker. Right now though in qualifying I think that Ching is the right choice. I am all for getting Jozy and Cooper much needed International experience, but with young guy’s (especially strikers)….it is a risk! A lot of young American Strikers struggle at first when they take a step up in competition(whether it be Europe or International competition.).

Now that the US has 3 wins in group play, I think that we can get Cooper some experience. I think now is the time! From this point on I am on the Cooper train with yall(or Jozy).

By Daryl | September 12th, 2008 at 7:36 pm

At least biking all the way back to Spain will keep Jozy in shape.

Let’s hope he comes back though.

By CW | September 13th, 2008 at 7:55 am

You guys are crazy. Ching is worthless. So are EJ, twellman, and about half a dozen other guys that have played up top over recent years. Cooper needs a real chance.
Brooks…Quality stuff.

Posted from Germany

By GS | September 13th, 2008 at 10:03 am

Brooks that post was absolutely fantastic. I know you do this feature once and a while but this one was by far the most fun.

To those who are posting about Ching…CW hit it right on the head…ya’ll are out of your f’n minds. Of course we know what we’re getting with Ching…poor play. One of you say he doesn’t make mistakes…I guess that’s right if you don’t consider blowing half chances, volley’s, headers, flick-ons, one-timers etc. etc. etc. for goals as making a mistake. Dude does a fine job holding the ball and laying it off but he brings absolutely nothing to the table in terms of finishing and run making.

Also, Danny what the heck are you talking about with your “it’s a risk to play young players”…but “they need international experience”. This is the PERFECT time to play young players because the competition isn’t as stiff.

I’m still shocked that anybody would say that ching is a good choice or that he brings a lot to the table. As CW so eloquently put it…Ching is worthless.

Posted from United States

By GS | September 13th, 2008 at 10:09 am

Oh I forgot. Alex, if you thought Ching played well wednesday night you know nothing about soccer. Just off the top of my head I can recall 4 plays where he should have scored but completely blew it. Very rarely do you watch a soccer game and remember ONE player blowing that many opportunities.

Posted from United States

By BMatthews | September 13th, 2008 at 10:48 am

Just gonna throw it out there: Jozy>Kenny

Posted from United States

By BMatthews | September 13th, 2008 at 10:49 am

Also: for some reason it thinks my work IP is spamming the site. If I want to do my part to save the puppies from herpes. Could Brooks/Daryl fix that?

Posted from United States

By Brooks Peck | September 13th, 2008 at 11:45 am

Thanks, guys, this is my favorite Off The Pitch, too (even though Carter didn’t like this one).

BMatt: 1) That was part of the joke. 2) I’ll look into it, but if you stop linking to sites for casinos and schlong pills, that might help.

By Danny | September 13th, 2008 at 1:31 pm

Ching is not worthless! He may not be our best option but you can’t say he is worthless.

In the 4 world cup qualifying games he has 4 goals!!!

Also everyone is talking about Cooper’s #’s in the MLS! He has 13 goals in like 22 games. Ching has 10 goals in 19 games. But what about the year before? Ching had a great year. This is Cooper’s breakout year, but others have had breakout years and have never matirealized after that. Buddle has the same amount of goals as Cooper and a lot of people are not sold on him. Ching has showed that he can score goals.

Now that we have 3 wins in our group stage I do think that we should get some of the younger guys so much needed experience. I am just saying that Ching doesn’t suck.

By GS | September 13th, 2008 at 2:07 pm

Danny, once again, did you watch any of the qualifying games?? Have you even watched any soccer before? Just because somebody scores goals doesn’t mean they’re playing well. The two goals scored against barbados were empty net tap ins. The goal against T&T was a perfect play by gooch and another empty net tap in finish by Ching. If you actually watch the games you can see why so many hate the fact that Ching is starting for the USMNT.

Let me re-state it. Goals don’t mean everything…especially when you’re blowing more chances than most players get in a season.

Posted from United States

By elle | September 13th, 2008 at 5:24 pm

Ching had a great year last year…but it’s still MLS. Kenny is young and scoring so I personally count that for more than scoring goals in Mls.

Posted from United States

By Danny | September 14th, 2008 at 1:00 am

I get what you are saying. Ching in 2 years probably is not going to cut it (and you guy’s think he doesn’t now!). I AM FOR A CHANGE!!! I just don’t see why Ching is so loathed. He has one of the best headers and is a big weapon on Corner kicks becaus of it. He is still a pretty good player. He had a nice goal against the quakes tonight. Also, the squad is familiar with him, and he is good for morale, BUT Cooper, Adu, and Jozy are the FUTURE. Ching has already had a bit of a decline, in 2 years it will probably be accelerated. Cooper and Jozy need some more experience.

I know that we are way better than Guatemala, T and T, and Cuba, but they were important matches. That is why I agreed with the choice of Ching. I think with the 3 wins, we can go ahead and sack Ching for a bit and see how Cooper does on the international stage(he did score against Denmark, lol).

By Danny | September 14th, 2008 at 4:13 pm

I think I just like to say “Cha Ching” after every time he scores. lol

By Brooks | September 15th, 2008 at 11:30 am

And by the way, Kenny scored again for Dallas over the weekend, giving him 14 goals on the season (two behind league-leader Landycakes).

Posted from United States

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