This is pretty hilarious — the official 2009 USMNT yearbook asked some of the guys who should play their teammates in a movie of their life. After looking at the results, I think we should all be thankful that none of these guys are Hollywood casting directors. Some of the best:

-Steve Cherundolo says Boca should be played by A.C. Slater (yes, the Saved by the Bell character, not Mario Lopez, the “actor” who played him).

Brooks says: …what?

-Frank Simek says Tommy Morrison as Tommy Gunn from Rocky V should play Jonathan Spector simply because both have mullets.

Brooks says: I’m glad he specified the mullet because I would have assumed Spector has AIDS.

-Danny Califf says Samuel L. Jackson should play Tim Howard.

Brooks says: Because Jackson is good at cursing and Howard has Tourette’s?

-Freddy Adu says Forest Whitaker (or Djimon Hounsou) should pay Jozy Altidore.

Brooks says: …what? Forest Whitaker? If Freddy wasn’t African American I’d call that racist. Speaking of which…

-Clint Dempsey says Eddie Johnson should be played by Akon because “they look alike.”

Brooks says: …what? Look at the headshots of EJ and Akon and tell me they look alike.

There are a lot more gems in there, so be sure to click the image and give it a glance.

[Source: The Touchline]

Nick posted the above video in the comments of the Thursday Night News Nuggets post and I thought it was pretty funny, so here it is. The song, titled “My Day is Coming”, is off Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo’s new collection of solo work: Alone II: The Home Recordings.

Whether the song is entirely about the eventual success of the US MNT is up for debate, but either way, Rivers (who is a big US soccer fan) feels the need to sing the names of the US MNT roster circa, I don’t know, 2005? Here are the full lyrics:

Sometimes I lose my pride
And leave my best behind
And everybody has a good laugh
But still I understand
The chance is in my hand
Someday I’m gonna make ‘em believe

Landon Donovan, DaMarcus Beasley, Freddy Adu, Clint Dempsey, Oguchi Onyewu, Bobby Convey, Eddie Johnson, Steve Cherundolo, Brian Ching, Carlos Bocanegra, Jimmy Conrad, Pat Noonan,
Let me hear you say

So, there you go. The one and only time Brian Ching will ever have a pop song about him…well, at least until his upcoming single Can’t Stop (The Nose Bleeds) tops the charts.

“Gooch? More like Cooch!”

Gooch remembered back to when Bob Bradley made that light-hearted quip at his expense on the team’s first day of training under their new manager. The rest of his teammates laughed. Gooch did not. Instead, he swore his revenge and waited until the time was right.

Now, almost two years later, as he watched Bradley speak to reporters ahead of the team’s first match in Cuba in since 1947, Gooch knew the time for vengeance had come. But how to do it? There were many ways – knives, rope, toilet drowning, bare-handed death grip. No matter which option he decided upon, Gooch knew two things:

1) He would have the last laugh.

2) Bob Bradley would be dead by morning.

[Photo: © U.S. Soccer/USSoccer.com]

Free Kicks is a new feature (another one!) that takes a real picture and adds a fictional little story to it. If so inclined, give it a shot yourself in the comments below.

“Why are you wearing that while we play?” Landon asked.

“It’s my thinkin’ pillow. Anytime I bust out the Chess for Dummies I put on my thinkin’ pillow. So I can think.”

With that, Deuce went on to complete the rare quadruple jump. Upon demanding Landon king him, the plane hit a patch of turbulence, sending the pieces to the floor. Neither player could remember exactly where each piece had been, so Landon suggested they reset and start over.

Frustrated by the prospect of having to once again go through the trouble of matching each piece with the corresponding picture on the board, Deuce announced it was time for a “thinkin’ nap” and immediately began snoring, even before shutting his eyes.

He eventually fell asleep exactly three minutes later.

[Photo: © U.S. Soccer/USSoccer.com]

Free Kicks is a new feature (another one!) that takes a real picture and adds a fictional little story to it. If so inclined, give it a shot yourself in the comments below.

Programming Note: Carter has been busy lately, but he’ll be back Thursday with some, uh, real stuff for you.

Anyway, we’ll all be out on the streets soon enough, so why not make the most of the time you have left getting paid to watch internet videos? Yeah!

Here’s one that might even give you an idea as to how to make the best of your upcoming life as a street urchin:

Aside from the impressive skill this guy displays (If he completed each of those tricks on anything less than the 971st try I would be truly blown away), you gotta love the celebrations. Kicking a ball through someone’s roadside pizza stand (why don’t we have those in America!?!?) and then celebrating like you just won the World Cup on PKs as the angry vendor chases you down the street is never not funny.

Also, at USSoccer.com they have the first part of a video called “The Cuba Experience.” Hard to figure what it’s about from the title, but it’s pretty interesting. Surprisingly, there is no mention of Tony Montana, pelicans, blow, or murdering one’s best friend in a drug-fueled haze of paranoia and jealousy. Still pretty interesting, though.

After yet another mediocre national team performance from Brian Ching (though it was highlighted by a fortuitous goal), many fans and critics are still wondering why Bob Bradley keeps selecting Ching over the second-leading goal scorer in MLS, Kenny “FrankenCooper” Cooper. To shed some light on the matter, here is a fictional account of how Bob reached his decision…

Bob Bradley stares out on the practice pitch as Ching and Cooper approach.

Bob Bradley: Thanks for coming out today, guys. I’m having a hard time deciding which of you to go with, so I thought I’d bring you both in and have you state your cases. Brian, you start.

Ching: Uh, well, to be honest, I’ve never been that great.

Bradley: Ok. Kenny?

Cooper: ggrrAAAHHH!

Bradley: Alright. Brian, a response to that?

Ching: Well, I’m 30 years old now, so I don’t know how much use I’ll be to you when the next World Cup rolls around in a couple years.

Bradley: Valid point. Kenny, you’re 23, right?

Cooper: Grrrrggg.

Jozy Altidore appears.

Jozy: Hey, guys, what’s going on?

Bradley: This doesn’t concern you, Jozy. Back to Spain! Go! On your bike!

Jozy: Ok. See ya, guys! Good luck!

Jozy rides bike away, whistling, rings bell. Bradley glares at him…he keeps glaring.

Ching: Uh, I don’t mean to interrupt, but you should also note that I’m really quite slow and I have the reflexes of someone who’s been slipped a date rape drug.

Bradley: I have to think you could’ve used a more tasteful analogy there, but ok.

Ching: Allow me to demonstrate… pass me the ball, Coach.

Bob flicks a nearby ball at Ching, who reacts like Brad Pitt in the Burn After Reading trailer as it bounces off his face.

Bradley: I see. Kenny, your turn…

Cooper: RRRAAAHHHH!!

Bob passes to Cooper, who fires it into the net. The ball disintegrates, net catches fire, ice caps melt.

Ching: (pinching bloody nose, head tilted back) Coach, please keep in mind that I can score when my teammates make a tremendous play to set me up and the goalkeeper has somehow fallen out of position. Then, with an empty net and from point-blank range, I can score you a goal…but only then.

Bradley: Alright, I think I’ve just about made my decision. Any final words, men?

Ching: I suck.

Cooper: BRAAAIIINNNS!

Bradley: Noted…After careful consideration, I’m going to have to go with Brian here. Sorry, Kenny. Maybe when you’re 30 and your skills have depleted to an acceptable level.

Ching: Thanks, Coach! (Nose bleeds spontaneously) I won’t let you down!

Cooper: (eats brains)

Pia Sundhage might have led the the US women’s team to Gold in the Beijing Olympics, but says she is not interested in going along to meet Bush with other Olympic Gold medallists.

Speaking to Aftonbladet newspaper, Sundhage made it clear that she doesn’t share Bush’ politics and isn’t interested in meeting him.

While not exactly earth shattering news, it is a lovely little eff you gesture that (judging from recent polls) many many Americans, across both party lines, would appreciate. Now that’s the kind of – err – balls it takes to lead our National Team out of scandal and on to Olympic glory. Give this woman a raise! (the article also says she is ready to renew her contract with US Soccer)

It was recently reported that Jozy Altidore and new Villareal teammate Giuseppe Rossi have become “inseparable friends” since Altidore joined the Spanish club earlier this summer. The following is a fictional conversation between the rising American star and the only Italian national from North Jersey.

Jozy and Guiseppe sit in the Villareal locker room playing poker. Rossi pulls the last of Jozy’s stack of Euros into the giant pile in front of him.

Jozy: You win again! This sure is fun, Guiseppe.

Rossi: Friggin’ A it is…I’m glad yous are here, Jozy. I was gettin’ sick a these Spanish fanocchios tawlkin’ their jibberish language at me.

Jozy: Yeah, it’s always nice to have someone to talk to when you’re in a foreign land! So how was your Olympic experience, man? You led the tournament in goals! That’s pretty awesome!

Rossi: Friggin’ Belgium. Waffle eatin’ bastids.

Jozy: Yeah, well, we didn’t fare so well, either. But we’ll get ‘em next time!

Rossi: Hey, Joze, I just had an idea. Ya know, we’re havin’ so much fun here – the gamblin’, the hookers, the Jagerbombs, and you watchin’ me do all a dat – ya know, yous should come play for Itly with me.

Jozy: (laughs) I like you too, Guiseppe, but I’ve already been capped by the U.S. Plus all my friends back home would sure be disappointed…hey! What if you came to play for the U.S.? Then we can be together forever!

Rossi: Uh, what if — no.

Jozy: What? I mean, you even grew up in America, man – Clifton, NJ, that’s like 10 minutes from my house.

Rossi: The hell you tawlkin’ about? My parents are from Itly. I’m Itayin. Bada-bing bada-boom. Don’t forget the cannoli.

Jozy: But you were born in the U.S. You grew up there. I mean, my parents are from Haiti, but I was born and raised in America so I’m an American.

Adriana La Cerva enters the locker room holding a dead lapdog.

Adriana: (crying) Guiseppe, what did you do to my dawg?

Rossi: I was asleep on the couch and it musta crawled under my leg for warmth – get outta here, Ade! I told you never to come down here!

Adriana: I hate you, Guissepe! The wedding’s awf!

Rossi: (dismissively) Go cry ta your mutha.

Adriana stomps her foot, turns to leave.

Rossi: Anyway, Jozy…come play for Itly.

Jozy: (shaken by the outburst) But I’m not even Italian, man!

Rossi: It don’t matter. I know some guys who can take care a dat. Get yous set up with a passport, new name, a nice shylock business, anything yous need.

Jozy: I don’t know, Guiseppe. You’re my friend and all, but I just can’t do that. I mean, I know Italy are the World Cup champions and have a much more prestigious record than the U.S., but I’m looking forward to helping develop our program and maybe, one day, being known as the best American soccer player ever – I mean is that even possible in Italy anymore? There’s so much competition for a spot in the team, you have one bad game and the entire country hates you and you’re losing your place to an 86-year-old Pippo Inzaghi. Nah, I’m staying with the U.S., man.

Rossi: Alright, alright, whateva.

Jozy: So what do you want to do now?

Rossi: (thinks…) Jagerbombs!