Don’t Eff This Up

Dear U.S. Men’s Team,

Please don’t eff this up. I don’t mean to be harsh or unduly negative, but let’s face it — you guys really shit the bed in that Netherlands game. A game you should have won. A game you had won until you decided to start playing like me playing FIFA 08 after too much Sailor Jerry.

Poop added for effect, but that’s pretty much what happened

Now you need a win or a draw against a very strong Nigeria team to advance to the quarterfinals. And you have to accomplish that without two of your best players — Freddy Adu and Michael Bradley — who both drew a suspension inducing second yellow card for equally stupefying reasons against the Netherlands. I mean, seriously, what would posses you to sprint full speed at the opposing goalkeeper and plant your studs in his face when he he shuts you down or stand around like a goon instead of just taking the damn free kick and avoiding a card for time wasting? These are things even the slow kid in gym class knows not to do.

Then there’s you, Stuart Holden. Do me a favor — next time you want to slide around just outside the box like you’ve suddenly been afflicted with polio and can’t help but collide with an opposing player, make sure its not in a game that can decide whether you advance to the next round in the Olympics. This is serious. Just ask Michael Phelps:

These men will eat your soul to get their hands on a gold medal

Now for Nigeria. This is a very good team, even without suspended starting defenders Olubayo Adefemi and Onyekachi Apam. Their primary tactic is to distract their opposition with promises of unclaimed millions in a bank account that they need foreign help (and money) to access. This is a scam. Trust me. While you’re deciding what color Maserati to buy, they’re pocketing your seed money and scoring goals on you.

(On a side note: If I see you playing for the Nigerian soccer team, Dr. Clement Okon, I will run from Philly to China and beat my 10 grand out of your face. I knew nobody would leave your church group $115 million. Dick.)

Anyway, yeah, don’t screw this up, boys, and I’ll see you in the quarterfinals. If not, I’m going to remind your parents of all those times they turned their backs on their own life goals to drive you to soccer practice when you were little and how you’re nothing but failures now. So, just keep that in mind.

Faithfully yours,
Brooks

P.S. Remember to have fun out there, guys!