Off The Pitch: First Impressions

The following is a fictional account of Michael Bradley’s (and his notorious temper) first meeting with his new manager, Jos Luhukay.

Michael Bradley steps off the plane in Germany, where he is greeted by a small mustachioed gentleman.

Luhukay: Michael! Welcome to Germany!

Bradley: Thanks. What team am I playing for?

Luhukay: You don’t know what club brought you here?

Bradley: Figured it was either Bayern Munich or Werder Bremen, but I wanted it to be a surprise so I told my agent not to tell me. So am I in the city of Bayern or Werder?

Luhukay: Uh, neither, Michael. You will be playing for Borussia Mönchengladbach of which I am the manager – Jos Luhukay.

Bradley: what

Luhukay: Your new club is Borussia Mönchengladbach and I am your manager, Jos Luhukay.

Bradley: WHAT?! WHERE IS LUCA TONI???

Luhukay: Please calm down, Michael. You will like it here, you’ll see. Here – here’s your new shirt.

Luhukay holds up Bradley’s new kit top.

Bradley: WHAT IN THE NAME OF MICHAEL BALLACK IS “KYOCERA”???

Luhukay: Oh, that’s just our sponsor. They are a Japanese company that produce everything from mobile phones to kitchen knives and solar panels.

Bradley: GIVE ME THE KITCHEN KNIVES

Luhukay: Uh, like I said, they’re just our sponsor…but why do you want the kitchen knives?

Bradley: BECAUSE I CAN’T STAB YOU WITH A CELL PHONE

Luhukay: Michael, please calm down. Mönchengladbach is a lovely city. I’m sure you will grow to enjoy it.

Bradley: ARE YOU TALKING OR ARE YOU TRYING TO VOMIT???

Luhukay: Mönchengladbach is a bit of a mouthful, I know, but we call it Gladbach for short. And it did host the 2006 Men’s Field Hockey World Cup!

Bradley: ON WHAT PLANET DO MEN PLAY FIELD HOCKEY??? DID THEY ALSO HOST THE WORLD CUP OF RECEIVING WEDGIES???

Luhukay: Michael, please, you will enjoy it here. Your old friend from Heerenveen, Rob Friend, is one of our best players and we’ve even been known to train at nudist colonies…

Bradley: WELL THEN … That doesn’t sound so bad.

Luhukay: Although it is mostly flabby old people at these nudist colonies.

Bradley: I WILL STAB YOU WITH A CELL PHONE!

Luhukay: Ok then, I will leave you to hopefully calm down and explore your new home city. Again, welcome, Michael. We are pleased have you as the newest member of Die Fohlen – The Foals.

Bradley: MORE LIKE DIE JOHN G

Luhukay: Excuse me?

Bradley: YOU LOOK LIKE JOE PANTOLIANO IN THE FILM MEMENTO – DIE JOHN G!

Luhukay: !oN

Michael Bradley stabs Jos Luhukay with a cell phone, takes picture with a Polaroid camera, burns picture, looks at “Remember Sammy Jankis” tattoo on his hand.