September Commenter of the Month: Office Politics and Fandom

As part of our Speak The Hell Up initiative around here, we decided to start recognizing some of our outstanding commenters by singling one out each month, naming them Commenter of the Month (or, CotM to those in the know), and beating them mercilessly. Once Carter convinced me that that last part probably wouldn’t go over so well, we decided that a proper reward for said outstanding commenter would be their very own post to say whatever they please. What follows are the words of our CotM for the month of September, Mr. Brian P. Matthews (aka BMatthews)…

Commenter of the Month, bitches! Bow before my commenting prowess, the way I stealthily blend humor and content is like a “Seinfeld” episode, it all comes back together at the end.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, you’ve clearly got some questions, and I have answers:
- Yes, I have a job…for now.
- I like to think that I have friends.
- Yep, the Eagles do suck. (Ed. Note: It’s not too late to strip you of this title.)
- Clearly I have more important things to be doing than writing this post, now stop nagging me. (Ed. Note: Come on, I only threatened bodily harm once. And then maybe 13 or 14 times a day after that.)

Now on to the meat of this bullet point heavy post (which I get to write, because I’m the best commenter…for the month of September…on this blog)…

Anybody who as ever worked in an office environment knows about the intricate variations of the “office hello.”

- The up head nod: a simple gesture that says “Look I noticed you, now let me go on with my important business.” You do not know these people.
- The actual greeting: you say hello to these people, but probably only because you work near them and it would look bad if you didn’t.
- Awkward middle ground: the definition of “Facebook friend.” Sure you’ve spoken to these people, but you don’t really know them. Often you find yourself having a conversation with them while you are walking in the same direction, but when you have to go in different ways the conversation is left open ended and one of you ends up shouting goodbye through a door or from around the corner.
- True Friendship: you grab your coffee and before you even sit at your desk you’re talking/goofing off with this person. You like them. These are the people you’d actually CHOOSE to spend time with, even if you didn’t have to… but you have to, because you’re at work.

Interestingly enough these are pretty much the same classifications of fans of US soccer (these classifications follow the same format as above).

- The up head nod: These are the people who hate soccer; you’ll probably hear them use the phrase “foot fairy.” You hate this person.
Players they can name on the MNT: none.

- The actual greeting: These people don’t hate soccer, as long as they don’t have to watch it. If you’re reading this article, you might know this person as your brother/sister/roommate/parent.
Players they can name on the MNT: Freddy Adu.

- Awkward middle ground: These people enjoy soccer; they actually probably played it at some point. But they do not care about the team, unless it’s the World Cup. “They play this weekend? It’s the World Cup already? Oh, qualifying. Wake me up for the real thing in 2010… its in South America right?”
Players they can name on the MNT: Freddy Adu, Landon Donovan, Claudio Reyna, anybody else who is too old to warrant a spot on a team not coached by Big Bob.

- True Friendship: You! The real fan. You have the time to create background stories about Bob Bradley and Gooch (Ed. Note: Yup.); hell, you know who Gooch is! You read blogs about your favorite EPL team and your favorite MLS team. You’re excited when Jozy makes the bench for a league game. You’re so pumped that Edu is seeing time for Rangers (even though you wish he played for Celtic, so you could buy that sweet-ass jersey).
Players they can name on the MNT: When the hell is Kenny Cooper going to get a freaking CAP?!!?!?!?!?!

Thanks so much to Brooks and Carter for doing such a good job with the site, keep up the good work guys, you never fail to entertain. You’re as fun as a hookers at a cocaine party.