Hey there…I’m the new guy

Hi, my name is Brooks, and I’m an alcoholic…

No, wait, that’s for another time – anyway, yeah, I’m the new guy. Now, before you start to panic, don’t worry, nothing has happened to Carter – the Argentines haven’t been able to assassinate him just yet and he’s still very much in charge around these parts. I’m just here to help out where I can and share my warped views whenever the mood strikes.

So, a little about me: I’m from Philly, I’ve adopted Chelsea as my favorite club (can you blame me for jumping on that bandwagon? Their kits are such a pretty shade of blue. Plus, I have a thing for Russian oligarchs who make smiling look painful) as I count down the seconds until MLS finally comes to the land of cheesesteaks and projectile batteries.

Perhaps it goes without saying, but my favorite country is the United States of America…mostly because Latvia deported me for trying to claim power and rename the country “Balkiland.” But screw them – I bleed the red, white and blue! (Well, mostly the red, but it’s usually just a nosebleed from all the steroids and blow.)

In my spare time I enjoy siphoning gasoline, reenacting scenes from the cinematic masterpiece Who’s Your Caddy?, and making my own assortment of jams. Frankenberry is my specialty.

Anyway, enough about me, let’s get back to the topic at hand…something about windsurfing ferrets, right?