Off The Pitch: Counter-Intelligence

February 8th, 2009 | by: Brooks Peck |

As the USMNT congregates ahead of the much anticipated World Cup Qualifier against Mexico, Bob Bradley is surely exhausting all resources to ensure his side is as prepared as possible. The following is a fictional account of one such prep session.

Bob Bradley stares out on the practice pitch in Columbus, OH. His team files out of the locker room and stands before him.

Bob: Alright, men. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how big this match is and what it means.

M. Bradley: AAAAHHHH THIS GAME IS SO HUGE!!!!!

Bob: Calm down, Michael. Try not to get yourself too worked up. We’ve got to focus here.

Michael Bradley stabs himself in the leg.

M. Bradley: AHHH!!! OK I THINK I’M GOOD NOW!!!

Bob: Alright, now, as you guys know, we have Jose Francisco Torres here with us and since he plays for Pachuca in the Mexican First Division, he gets to see a lot of these guys we’ll be facing on a regular basis. So, I thought it would be beneficial if we had Jose give us a little insight on our opponents. Jose?

Jose Francisco Torres steps forward.

Torres: (opens mouth to speak, but…)

Freddy Adu jumps out like a crazed leprechaun.

Adu: This is bullspit! I know more about these guys than this munchkin! Respect The Adu! American Pele!

Bob: Freddy, I’m gonna have to disagree with you there. Jose plays against a lot of them regularly–

Adu: And I’ve been sitting on the bench at Monaco for like nine gazillion months! What the funk you think I’ve been doing with that time? You can only watch RV staring Robin Williams and JoJo so many times, fool! I used to date JoJo! And I know all about Oswaldo Sanchez!

Bob: Ok, what can you share with us, Freddy?

Adu: Allow me to demonstrate…Jozy, get your punk butt over here! You’re gonna be Oswaldo and I’ll be American Pele.

Jozy Altidore cautiously gets closer to Adu.

Altidore: Hi, Coach Bob. How are you doing?

Bob: I’m still fine, Jozy. You’ve already asked me that a few times today. How are you?

Altidore: I’m goo–

Adu delivers a Chuck Norris style kick to Jozy’s midsection, causing Jozy to double over in pain.

Altidore: Ugh, I’m good, Coach Bob.

Adu: American Pele! Kick him in the gut! That turdspiker won’t never get up!

Bob: Ok, we’re not going to do that, Freddy. I know this is a strong rivalry, but we need to respect our opponents, right Jose?

Torres: (opens his mouth to speak, but…)

Brian Ching, falls to the center of the group. His nose starts to bleed.

Ching: I have a plan, coach.

Bob: I don’t think bleeding on them isn’t a very good idea, either Brian.

Ching: No, that’s only the first part. The second part is that we make them think we’re talentless wastes of space for a while and then, out of nowhere, we make an amazing move to setup a goal for Sacha Kljestan.

Bob: Interesting. Well, I don’t know about that, but I would still like to hear what Jose has to say. Jose?

Torres: (opens his mouth to speak, but…)

Freddy Adu kicks Jose Francisco Torres in the stomach.

Adu: American Pele! Kick you in the gut!

Bob: Freddy! That’s enough! Now, why are you even here — I didn’t call you in for this match.

Adu: This is bullspit! I’m gonna go hang out with Kenny Cooper.

Adu leaves.

M. Bradley: I HAVE AN IDEA AND IT INVOLVES VOODOO AND STABBING!!!!

Bob: No, I know Mexico is going the voodoo doll route, but we don’t need to concern ourselves with that nonsense.

M. Bradley: WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT DOLLS??!!?!?

Bob: Enough, guys. Let’s just listen to what insight Jose can provide us and then get a good practice in. Sound good? Ok. Jose, the floor is yours…

Torres: (opens his mouth to speak, but…)

Boca: Uh, I don’t mean to interrupt, but Mexico hasn’t beaten us in like million years at this point. I think all the insight we need is that we’re the better team and all we need to do is play our game. Agreed?

Torres: Agreed.