Off The Pitch: Decisions II

The roster that Bob Bradley is taking to D.C. ahead of the World Cup Qualifier against Cuba on October 11 has been announced and it is perhaps Bradley’s most interesting collection of players in recent memory. But how did he come to bring this group together? To shed some light on the matter, here is another fictional account of how Bob finalized his side…

Bob Bradley stares out on the practice pitch. Carlos Bocanegra approaches, wearing his captain’s armband with his street clothes.

Boca: So who are you going with, Bob? Usual suspects?

Bradley: You know, Carlos, we’ve gotten all nine points possible so far, we haven’t allowed a goal in I don’t even know how long, and we really stepped it up in that last match against Trinidad & Tobago. I think it’s time we mix things up a little bit.

Boca: Yeah, ok, I totally agree…but, um, you do remember that Claudio Reyna retired, right?

Bradley: Ah, here come a couple of the new guys now…

Michael Orozco and Danny Szetela jog over, both smiling.

Bradley: Welcome, guys!

Szetela: WHOOOO! NAT TEAM! YEAH!

Szetela rips off his warm-ups, leaving him in nothing but a Speedo and a bow tie. He produces a ghetto blaster, plays thumping dance music, dances like Jesse Spano on too many caffeine pills.

Bradley: Uh, ok…(motions to Asian security guard)

Asian security guard chases the dancing Szetela off the pitch.

Bradley: Ok. I think Danny just needs a timeout for a little bit. Michael, how are you?

Orozco: I’m great, Coach. To be honest, I really didn’t expect your call. After I pretty much sealed the United States’ exit from the Olympics with that red card I got, I figured I was done for.

Bradley: (chuckles) Well, if you just be sure to keep your elbows to yourself, I’m sure you’ll do fine.

Orozco: (elbows Boca in the face) Thanks, Coach!

Boca covers his mouth, doubles over.

Boca: Ow! What the hell, kid?

Orozco: What happened to you? I didn’t do that! I don’t know what you’re talking about! Coach, that wasn’t my elbow!

Bradley: (growing uneasy) Ok, this, uh…

Freddy Adu bursts out from the locker room, dragging Jozy Altidore along in a headlock. Jose Francisco Torres follows behind, looking confused and bewildered.

Adu: This is bullspit!

Bradley: What’s wrong, Freddy? I’m glad you guys made it!

Altidore: Hi, Coach Bob. How are you doing?

Bradley: (bending over to look Jozy in the eye) I’m good, Jozy. Uh, how are you?

Altidore: (winces as Adu tightens his grip) Um. I’m good.

Adu: This turdspiker’s been playin’ on my phone, telling me I got called up to the national team while I’m sitting on the bench in Monaco, busying myself by saying lines from the movie RV starring Robin Williams and JoJo! I used to date JoJo!

Altidore: And I told him that I’m sorry, but that wasn’t me, man. I learned my lesson about prank calls when I was little and my mom caught me calling the old neighbor lady and saying her fridge was running away from her.

Adu: And I told YOU Santa Clause is dead, punk! Respect The Adu! American Pele!

Bradley: Freddy, that wasn’t a joke, that was me. I really did call you up.

Adu: Oh…

Freddy releases Jozy from the headlock. Jozy rubs his neck, smiles.

Adu: (points to Torres) Who’s this munchkin?

Bradley puts his arm around Torres.

Bradley: This, everyone, is Jose Francisco Torres. He passed up an opportunity to join the Mexican national team to play with us. I think he’ll be a tremendous addition to our side.

Torres: (opens mouth to speak, but…)

Brian Ching stumbles out of the locker room, wearing a children’s bike helmet.

Ching: Hey, guys, I’m here!

Bradley: Hey, Brian, glad you made it!

Boca, still covering his face, rolls his eyes.

Ching joins the group, everyone tries to ignore him. His nose starts bleeding spontaneously.

Bradley: Oh, Brian, did Orozco elbow you, too?!

Ching: (smiles, lets nose bleed) No, it just does that sometimes.

Bradley: Any reason?

Ching: The doctor says it’s a symbol of my ineptitude on the pitch and is meant to serve as a reminder of how I have no business being here. Especially if it means I’m standing in the way of young guys like Freddy and Jozy getting some valuable playing time and experience.

Bradley: Interesting. Well, we’re glad you’re here!

The ground shakes…

Adu: What the funk? Who’s shakin’ my earth?

The ground shakes again…Ching falls down.

Ching: (nose still bleeding) Good thing I wore my helmet!

The locker room doors fly off their hinges, a ball of fire explodes, Kenny Cooper charges out.

Cooper: RRRAAAHHHH!!

Cooper fires ball into the net. Atoms of ball split, entire pitch catches fire, hole rips in space-time continuum, Cooper jumps through hole as it closes behind him.

Orozco: (elbows Jozy in the throat) What was that!?!

Bradley: I have no idea…

Altidore: (rubbing throat) Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I think we have a pretty awesome group here! Plus, we’ll be playing in the nation’s capital at a very important time in our country’s history. You guys think maybe Barack Obama and John McCain will come out to see us play?

Torres: (opens mouth to speak, but…)

Szetela runs/dances back onto the pitch, still being chased by the Asian security guard.

Szetela: WHOOO! NAT TEAM! WHOOO! YEAH!

Dance party ensues. Ching moves like Frank the Tank after shooting himself with the tranquilizer gun: