Off The Pitch: Quality Time with FIFA 09

Since today is FIFA 09 release day in North America, I’m sure many of you are doing whatever you can to sneak in some time with the game. Well, members of the US MNT are no different. The following is a fictional account of their first experiences with the game.

Freddy Adu and Jozy Altidore play FIFA 09 in the locker room. Jozy (playing as Villareal) is up 7-0 on Freddy (playing as Houston Dynamo) at halftime.

Adu: This is bullspit.

Altidore: Sorry, man. I think they made me too good in this game. I’ve never scored seven goals in one half all by myself in real life. Maybe I should call and let them know they’ve made a mistake.

Freddy spikes his controller in anger.

Adu: This is the last time I listen to funkin’ Bob Bradley! He said play as Dynamo cause Brian Ching is so good and he’ll score assbuckets of goals, but he loses the ball every time I pass to him and his speed rating is -8. This is junk!

Altidore: Calm down, man. Let’s play the second half. I’m sure you’re luck will turn around.

Freddy picks up his controller and they resume play. Altidore quickly scores another goal with himself to go up 8-0. The goal is somehow credited to Ching.

Adu: Bullspit! Stop cheatin’! You and this game are cheatin’ – I know it! Stop cheatin’! Respect the Adu!

Altidore: Nah, Freddy. I would never cheat you. I learned my lesson about cheating in video games when I was little and my mom caught me playing with GameShark and she said that when you cheat all you do is prove you’re not good enough.

Adu: (chucks controller) Why is Ching’s nose bleeding!?! Is this NHLPA Hockey ’93 in the movie Swingers? His nose is bleeding and he just fell over even though the game is paused! This is bullspit! Flunk you, punk! I used to date JoJo!

Freddy storms out of the locker room. Jozy looks around for someone else to play. Dials cell phone.

Altidore: Hey Landon, it’s Jozy Altidore from the US Men’s National Soccer Team. You wanna play me in FIFA online?

Donovan: Not right now, Jozy. I’m playing Manager Mode with Bayern Munich. I transferred myself to them.

Adu: (heard faintly in the distance) American Pele!

Altidore: (to Donovan) Oh yeah? How’s that going?

Donovan: Well, I haven’t gotten myself off the bench yet and the last newspaper headline said that Luca Toni is banging my wife…There really is no place for me in the starting XI there. I think the video game version of me is developing a good chemistry rating with Lukas Podolski, though.

Altidore: That’s cool. Well, I’ll talk to you later, man. Have a good one. (hangs up, looks around)…hey, Danny, wanna play?

Szetela, in his Speedo and bow tie, dances to thumping techno music while the Asian security guard still chases after him.

Altidore: Uh, ok…(spots Michael Bradley punching the wall) Hey, Michael, you wanna play? Wait, why are you here? You’re not on the roster for this match.

Bradley: MY DAD IS THE COACH

Altidore: Yeah, that’s cool. So you wanna play?

Bradley: YES

Bradley sits beside Jozy. He selects Manchester United, Jozy selects Chelsea.

Bradley: I AM SO PUMPED TO PLAY THIS GAME. WHAT BUTTON DO YOU PRESS TO STAB PEOPLE

Bradley immediately draws 22 yellow cards, his entire team gets sent off, match forfeited, PS3 melts.

Bradley: AAAHHHHH THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS!!!