Off The Pitch: Starting XI

With all the faces we don’t usually see on the team for tomorrow’s match against Guatemala, Bob Bradley has his hands full with guys who aren’t used to the US MNT way of life. The following is a fictional account of how the new guys are getting acclimated to how they do things on the US MNT.

Bob Bradley stares out on the practice pitch. The team congregates behind him. He turns to face them.

Matt Pickens rubs his hands together, clearly way too excited.

Pickens: This is so great, you guys! Since QPR chose not to extend my contract back in May I’ve been waiting for this chance! Well, waiting and making dioramas of every Saved by the Bell episode. Not Good Morning, Miss Bliss or The College Years or The New Class, just the ones with Kelly, Lisa, Zack, Slater, Jessie, and Screech. Oh, and Mr. Belding. Can’t forget Mr. Belding. Hahahahaha! Right, guys? Right? Wow, it’s fun to talk to people again!

Bradley: (ignores Pickens) Alright, everyone. Match is tomorrow, so we have to select our starting XI.

Freddy Adu punches Sean Franklin in the throat.

Franklin: (doubled over, choking) AKKK-KAK! Ow, Freddy what was that for?!

Adu: You don’t start over American Pele! Respect The Adu! Starting XI is mine!

Franklin: (rubbing throat) What? Coach?

Bradley: You better fight back, Sean. This is how we decide who starts — team brawl. Last 11 standing get to take the pitch.

Franklin: But Freddy and me don’t even play the same position!

Jozy gets on all fours behind Franklin, Adu pushes him over Jozy.

Adu: Yeah! You out, fool! Starting XI is mine!

Jozy: Sorry, Sean. My mom always told me not to trick people or hurt them in any way, but Villareal still won’t play me even though I score goals within nine seconds of getting on the pitch and if I don’t get some minutes in an actual game soon I’m going to murder the entire world.

Conor Casey shoves Kenny Cooper, who had been standing off by himself with his eyes closed. Cooper doesn’t move. Casey shoves him again. Cooper opens his eyes, revealing the raging fire that exists where a human soul should be.

Cooper: RRRAAAHHH!!!

The force of his monstrous roar sends half the team into orbit, Conor Casey bursts into flames, earth’s axis shifts.

Adu hides behind Jozy’s ankles. None of the remaining players move so as not to upset the FrankenCooper further.

The locker room door flies open and Brian Ching falls out.

Ching: Hey, guys! Sorry I’m late, but I forgot how to tie my shoes this morning and it took a really long time to remember again!

As Ching walks toward the pitch, his nose begins to spray blood like a high-powered sprinkler system. Everyone runs away, including Cooper.

Ching stands before Bob Bradley, soaking him in the process.

Bradley: Well, Brian. Looks like you start again.

Ching: Hooray! (falls, accidentally scores goal)