Off The Pitch: The One Where The Guys Do Steroids

In the wake of the New York Red Bulls’ performance-enhancing drug scandal, one begins to wonder just how widespread the use of steroids is in the beautiful game today. The following is a fictional account of members of the US MNT experimenting with steroids.

Bob Bradley walks into the locker room to find Jozy Altidore injecting Freddy Adu with a butt full of steroids.

Bob: What the hell is going on here?!

Altidore: (smiles) Oh, hey, Coach Bob! How are you?

Bob: I’m good, Jozy, but what do you two think you’re doing?

Adu: Gettin’ big.

Bob: Have you guys lost your minds?! What you’re doing is illegal and could have very serious consequences on both your careers and your bodies!

Adu: Funk yeah, it will. This spit’s gonna make me like seven feet tall. American Peter Crouch! Respect The Adu!

Bob: (flabbergasted) Jozy, I’m especially surprised at you. I thought you’d know better than this.

Altidore: (shrugs, still eye level with Adu’s ass) Sorry, Coach Bob. But Freddy and I still aren’t getting anything but garbage time at our clubs. We try real hard in training and stuff, but we’re still getting left on the bench. Seems like for no reason, too. So we thought we’d try this…you’re not gonna tell my mom are you?

Bob: Well, I understand your frustration, guys, but this is not the way to go about things. Where did you get this stuff anyway?

Jozy and Freddy exchange a quick glance, look away from Bob.

Bob: Come on, guys….who gave you this stuff!?

Michael Bradley crashes through the wall.

M. Bradley: STAAAAAAAAAAAAB!

Bob: Michael! Did you take the steroids? Tell me you didn’t take the steroids! ‘Roid rage combined with your natural rage would produce a lethal mix!

M. Bradley: UH I DON’T FEEL SO GOOD


Michael Bradley explodes.

Bob: See? Now do you boys see why steroids are bad for you?

Adu: The funk you talkin’ about? If I blow up in training one day everybody’s finally gonna notice The Adu and know I ain’t playin’. Got dang, Coach. You’re kinda dumb for a coach.

Altidore: He’s got a point, Coach Bob.

Brian Ching walks through busted wall, slips on Michael Bradley goo.

Ching: Whoa! I wasn’t gonna practice my falls ‘till later hahehahehahe!

Bob: Uh, hey guys, why don’t you save some of that stuff for Brian here…

Ching: (smiles vacantly) What, does that stuff cure nose bleeds?

Ching falls again even though he’s already on the ground…his nose bleeds spontaneously.

Meanwhile, Jose Canseco sits before a room full of empty chairs in Murray’s Used Book Depot in a strip mall outside of Toledo, OH.

Canseco: And that’s how I saved soccer. The end.

He smiles, holds up book to empty room.