Off The Pitch: Yank Yankers

With Freddy Adu getting left off the USMNT roster for the last batch of World Cup Qualifiers and now stuck behind new Monaco signing Chu-Young Park, who started and scored in his debut, it seems Freddy has hit a momentary roadblock in his development while other young Americans are excelling. The following is a fictional account of how he’s dealing with the current situation.

Freddy Adu sits in his luxurious Monte Carlo apartment. The film RV, starring Robin Williams and JoJo, plays on the big screen TV. Freddy reads of Jozy Altidore’s promising start to the La Liga season on his laptop.

Adu: This is bullspit.

Adu: Jozy gets a $10 million transfer to a Champions League team, hat trick in preseason, everyone treatin’ him like a Jonas Brother cause he didn’t play like donkey dump for 45 minutes in his debut, plus this Renken kid has Arsenal up his butt, and The Adu, the original American Pele, is getting garbage minutes for a mid-table club in the Surrender Monkey League. Bullspit!

Adu: Time to put these punks in their place…

Freddy dials his bedazzled cell phone…listens as it rings…and rings.

Adu: Answer the phone! I used to date JoJo!

Renken: (voicemail recording) Hi this is Charlie and I’m watching Arsenal DVDs so I can’t talk to you ok later bye.

Voicemail lady: If you’d like to leave a name and callback number, please do so after the tone.

BEEP

Adu: Flunk you, kid! If you play for Arsenal you will get butt cancer and die! Respect The Adu! American Pele! Santa Claus is dead!

Freddy ends the call.

Adu: Jozy’s turn…

Freddy dials, Jozy answers on the first ring.

Altidore: Hello?

Adu: It’s time to pay yo bills, fool!

Altidore: Freddy? Is that you? Thanks for reminding me, man, but I already paid all my bills this month. I even paid them for next month and the month after that! My mom taught me at a young age how important it is to be financially responsible.

Adu: I’m not talkin’ about your diaper bills, turdspiker, I’m talkin’ about your respect bills! Respect The Adu!

Altidore: (laughs) Of course I respect you, Freddy. You’re a great player, man.

Adu: Then stop taking my headlines! I am the future of American soccer! Not you! Not Pokemon and his Arsenal DVDs! American Pele! The Adu!

Altidore: Nah, don’t worry about that stuff, Freddy. It’s all good. You’re still the man in my book.

Adu: (long pause) Thanks, Jozy. I appreciate that. Sometimes I just feel like things aren’t going the way they should for me and it gets frustrating…Sorry I called you a turdspiker.

Altidore: Don’t worry about it. We all get frustrated sometimes. I mean, I got left off the Champions League squad, the US squad, and I should’ve had a goal against Deportivo la Coruna but the keeper saved it. You just have to roll with that stuff, man. Plus you’re only 19, your time is coming.

Adu: Yeah, you’re right. And you know what else?

Altidore: What?

Adu: Santa Clause is dead, punk! American Pele!

Adu ends the call.

Adu: Alright. Now. Time to take care of that fudgenugget Park…

TO BE CONTINUED…

(maybe)