Off The Pitch: Plan 9 From L.A. Galaxy

September 27th, 2008 | by: Brooks Peck | View Comments

It seems like we’ve already talked Landon’s possible move back to Europe into the ground, but with all of our opinions and speculation there is still one angle we have not covered…what will actually happen! (Lightning strikes, thunder cracks.) To share with us the fictional truth of what the future has in store for Mr. Cakes, I have called upon the greatest psychic the universe has ever known, The Amazing Criswell. So, without further ado (or Adu), I give you The Amazing Criswell…

Criswell: Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown… the mysterious. The unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you, the full story of what will befall Mr. Landon Donovan. My friends, can your heart stand the shocking facts of Landycakes in Germany?

LIGHTNING STRIKES, THUNDER CRACKS.

Criswell: It is May of 2009 and Landon Donovan has been with Bayern Munich since his transfer from the L.A. Galaxy in the January window. Bayern is playing a Bundesliga match against relegation-bound Borussia Monchengladbach. Here we find Landon in what has become a familiar position for him…sitting next to Lukas Podolski on the bench.

Landon: This sucks, Lukas. I still haven’t started a match since I’ve been here, the only goals I score are in FIFA 09, Luca Toni is banging my wife, and I still can’t find a single freaking In-N-Out Burger over here.

Lukas: Vhat is you saying?

Landon: I’m the all-time leading goal scorer for the United States! I should be out there!

Lukas: How vany intearnational goals do you have?

Landon: 36!

Lukas: Impressive. I have only 30 in 57 matches for Deutschland. How vany matches for you?

Landon: Uh, 104.

Lukas: (laughs heartily) Silly boy. You vill never play here.

Landon: (sighs) I wonder what Golden Balls is doing right now…

Back in Los Angeles, David Beckham sits in his agent’s office.

Agent: Alright, David, I’ve got an assbucket of good news for you.

Becks: Ehm, alright.

Agent: First off, your 2009 calendar sold like gangbusters!

Becks: Lovely. But my real concern is Galaxy. Wif Landon gone we’ll be even more rubbish than before.

Agent: No need to worry your pretty little head, it’s all covered. I just got word that the club has signed Ronaldo to come in and score assbuckets of goals!

Becks: Cristiano???

Agent: No, the fat one.

Agent: And to capitalize on this reunion of two former Real Madrid Galacticos, we’ve already committed to put you guys together for a 2010 calendar that will make this year’s sales look like tiddlywinks. Here’s a mock up:

Becks: Bloody hell.

Meanwhile, on the pitch at the Bayern vs. Gladbach match, an enraged Michael Bradley charges at Luca Toni.

Bradley: I WILL STAB YOU WITH A CELL PHONE!!!

Bradley stabs Toni with a cell phone, gets red card, needs to be restrained like Hannibal Lecter.

Bayern manager Jurgen Klinsmann approaches Landon and Podolski.

Klinsmann: Luca needs to come off, one of you must go in for him. Landon!

Landon: (wide-eyed, full of hope) Yes?!

Klinsmann: Tie Lukas’ boots so he can go in.

Landon ties Podolski’s boots, silently weeps.

LIGHTNING STRIKES, THUNDER CRACKS

Criswell: My friends, you have now seen this incident of future events that will affect Mr. Cakes in the future. I leave you now with a simple question: Can you prove that it didn’t happen?

LIGHTNING STRIKES, THUNDER CRACKS